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Thursday, November 02, 2006, Thursday, November 02, 2006
True Identity
What is my true identity? What is your true identity? Is it one that describes your day job? Or is it one that describes your leisure hobbies? Or could it be one that describes your weekly routine? Have you ever wondered that to yourself? Have you already got an answer?
For me, the truth is I am still looking; still finding.
Yes, I know that I have a day job in a bank with very good career prospects where I am exposed to a wide array of roles and responsibilites and being able to interact with customers/clients at the same time.
Yes, I know that I love to watch a soccer game with my close friends where we can all cheer or jeer the same team.
Yes, I know that I am a Christian and therefore I have certain roles/responsibilities to fulfil each week.
But beyond that, what is the real me? I really do not know. There are certain things that I say here that might shock my close friends; but if I am not going to get this out of my system, I really don't know how long will I last; especially now I am experiencing a higher level of responsibility in my ministry where more is demanded; not expected but demanded from you. Where the oxygen level gets thinner and thinner. Where people don't even mince their words sometimes.
Where it is so easy to get hurt. But you know what is worse? To conceal the hurt and pretend that nothing has happen. To soothe the wound with layers and layers of religious responsiblity. That is worse; because one day the wound will spread and it will consume the whole of your mind, soul and body.
When the oxygen gets thinner and thinner, everything else on the other side of the fence seems even more appealing. Especially when you have waited, tried, asked but still nothing happens and even if something happens, it's always disappointment; you just get more and more discouraged. Sometimes I just wonder why is it happening to EVERYONE else but NOT ME?
The truth is at times I just want to give up and let go. The threat is VERY REAL. But one thing I do know; that GREATER IS HE who is in me that he who is in the world. In the past few months, I have done things I have never imagined myself even thinking of doing it previously. I don't know what has happened to me really. I feel that my conscience is seared.
When you don't deal with a simple issue in your life fast enough and if you allow it to manifest and grow, one day things will go out of hand. For my case, it has already went.
If you ask me whether I regret what I have done? I would tell you I have mixed feelings about it; both yes and no.
Is that sufficient to prove that something is wrong?
If only I have the solution now. Everything else would have been fine and well.
God, I need your love. Help me.
me
