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Monday, October 24, 2005, Monday, October 24, 2005
Untitled.
hey friends,
you know...all along these past 2 years..i've been envy of a few of my friends whom i know quite well...envy because of the way they can handle their lives..because of how they live life inside out; everyday for Jesus...envy because they never seems to be tired, sad or depressed..envy because they always seems to be ready to go everytime i see them..until it chanced upon me that they are humans, yes..normal human beings just like i am right now..
the problem with me is self-pity. I pity myself too much and as much as i seemed ok on the outside, its not until a few days ago that i realised that unless we are comfortable and secure with ourselves, people around us including friends, loved ones or even people who just got to know you will never and i mean NEVER be secure and happy with you. In the past, i tried to be the ideal friend, the ideal boyfriend, the ideal son and the ideal teacher in school, only to find that not only am i setting crazy expectations of myself to acheive, they're simply UN-REACHABLE.
Yah, i know; how foolish i've been....
Well, because of this, i needed people's approval of me constantly, either a nod of a head or a wink of an eye..these are constant signs i am always looking out for...so i know and I KNOW that i am doing the right things..i sought after human affirmation..human response to the things i do..human praise..just like a kid would do...and therefore i am never secure..and now i know why certain things in my life got to end right here, right now..because God simply loves us so much that He would rather allow us to be hurt and sad for a short season..then to live and suffer in eternal regret and immaturity...
"For all His thoughts towards us are always good..."
In the past 1-2 weeks, it started off really bad..the feeling of being DE-TACHED from a person you loved and cherished so much was indeed very painful..but last week was better because as i see things in perspective..i realised that God is doing this to bring both of us to another level in our lives..i also realised truly what it means to be secure in God..namely since our ENTIRE lives are already planned in His mind, then it also means that the person that we r going to end up with HAS ALREADY BEEN PLANNED.
What then am i feeling so insecure and sad for?
A person once told me "Be the person that she would LOVE for the rest of her life"..how true is that huh?..it dawned upon me that its really v true..because at the end of the day, you cannot fit a square peg into a round hole..right?..focus and be the person that PEOPLE would LOVE TO LOVE..LOVE TO BE AROUND YOU...yes..thats what i should do...
I feel urged to write this entry because its like i am telling you guys how i feel right now..and more importantly, open up my life even more to you guys..my friends..my cherished ones...
"OUR PRIVATE LIVES IS OUR PUBLIC SHOWCASE"
One of my friend, Elaine shared this on her blog about 6 months back and it has since been stuck in my mind daily...its really v true...whatever we do in private will be turned into a lifestyle for all to applause or condemm...how true is that ya?...
Nearing the end of the year 2005, there are still many things i've not done...so many things i could still do right now...so i am going to live each day of my life RIGHT and unto the Lord..yes!..i will do it and make sure that i end the year on the right note!...
"MY RECENT TESTIMONY"
Last week, i realised and found out that i had a growth at my lower body and it's been obstructing me when i am walking or sitting down...quite painful...a very ap phase that can be used to describe is "PAIN IN THE ASS"..yes..now you know ya?..ok, so naturally i was afraid because i don't even know what is that?...ya..complating to see the doc or not...but then didn't have the time..hahaha...so i PRAYED and mustered as much FAITH as i could...
well, the best part about serving God is that when you give Him ALL OF YOUR TIME, ENERGY, God never shortchanges us. Never. After i prayed through the friday OPM and attended service on saturday, i realised and found out that the growth has SHRUNKED!..Praise the Lord!..hahaah....right now, i could'nt even feel the growth at all!..Yeah!..Praise God!...
Wow..i have written quite a bit ya..well, to all of you reading this, i hope you got what i am trying to express or say...well, a whole week lies ahead!...treasure your time and spend it in such a way that His name is glorified and lifted high!...
hope to catch up with you guys soon...and to you..i miss you lots!
me
